Sunday, September 30, 2012

The question that matters

It's been a while since I posted. To say that this year hasn't gone as planned, would be a major understatement.  I'm still limping from the blows brought in 2012.
This year, I realized a dream and began to adopt a child. The situation turned violent... and daily volatile and we could no longer proceed with the adoption. I lost a son... and a dream.
I was already in a deep depression from the daily anxiety and stress of this home environment - picture domestic violent situation... it was just a hurting, angry 14yo not a spouse. But losing him, and facing the fact that I was not... and could not ever be the mom he needed to heal and be whole only furthered my depression.
Depression is like an emotional cancer, and it continued to spread through most areas of my life. My marriage has taken a hit. My faith was strained. My job was being attacked. I began to lose the very core of my identity.
And then I saw it... I'd shrunken back for so long, that I'd confined myself to some tight little box of existence. I'd silenced my voice for so long, in a quest for "peace", that I'd almost lost my ability to even speak up. I'd mute areas of my life that others didn't understand, support or appreciate... but doing so for so long, I'd almost forgotten about them myself.
I began to push through, to awaken. To awaken to who I am... to Whose I am... and to the purpose I alone hold in life. I awakened, and began to feel and deal with those emotions. I reflected, on the woman I'd worked hard, once, to become... and began the process of tearing off the layers of life's refuse that shrouded my real self. I dreamed, again, and began the process of actively climbing towards those dreams.
THIS is my journey for this year... it's so much deeper and further than physical health. It's a total pursuit of health for every aspect of my life. I'm awakening... I'm becoming... I'm walking steadfast in this journey to walk in the path that God has called me to, for only here will I find true peace. There is no greater peace and reward in life, than to know I'm His, I'm who HE designed me to be, and I'm walking the road He's called me to.
So this question keeps rolling through my mind, what will I do today that takes me a step closer to my dreams? This year will pass regardless of my actions... the question that matters is what I am willing to do with this year. Will I push through the sickness and pain in order to really live? Will I reach my destination this year? No, but I know it's a long journey. But, I will be closer. and that in itself is something to show for. That is something to be proud of. The question that matters is, will I just sit and dream, or will I take a willing action to pursue my dream, today?

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