It's been a while since I posted. To say that this year hasn't gone as planned, would be a major understatement. I'm still limping from the blows brought in 2012.
This year, I realized a dream and began to adopt a child. The situation turned violent... and daily volatile and we could no longer proceed with the adoption. I lost a son... and a dream.
I was already in a deep depression from the daily anxiety and stress of this home environment - picture domestic violent situation... it was just a hurting, angry 14yo not a spouse. But losing him, and facing the fact that I was not... and could not ever be the mom he needed to heal and be whole only furthered my depression.
Depression is like an emotional cancer, and it continued to spread through most areas of my life. My marriage has taken a hit. My faith was strained. My job was being attacked. I began to lose the very core of my identity.
And then I saw it... I'd shrunken back for so long, that I'd confined myself to some tight little box of existence. I'd silenced my voice for so long, in a quest for "peace", that I'd almost lost my ability to even speak up. I'd mute areas of my life that others didn't understand, support or appreciate... but doing so for so long, I'd almost forgotten about them myself.
I began to push through, to awaken. To awaken to who I am... to Whose I am... and to the purpose I alone hold in life. I awakened, and began to feel and deal with those emotions. I reflected, on the woman I'd worked hard, once, to become... and began the process of tearing off the layers of life's refuse that shrouded my real self. I dreamed, again, and began the process of actively climbing towards those dreams.
THIS is my journey for this year... it's so much deeper and further than physical health. It's a total pursuit of health for every aspect of my life. I'm awakening... I'm becoming... I'm walking steadfast in this journey to walk in the path that God has called me to, for only here will I find true peace. There is no greater peace and reward in life, than to know I'm His, I'm who HE designed me to be, and I'm walking the road He's called me to.
So this question keeps rolling through my mind, what will I do today that takes me a step closer to my dreams? This year will pass regardless of my actions... the question that matters is what I am willing to do with this year. Will I push through the sickness and pain in order to really live? Will I reach my destination this year? No, but I know it's a long journey. But, I will be closer. and that in itself is something to show for. That is something to be proud of. The question that matters is, will I just sit and dream, or will I take a willing action to pursue my dream, today?
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
A roadmap... and mile markers
I LOVE mile markers.... they tell me when I'm on track and how long til I'm at my destination. I love knowing that I'm on track, and REALLY wish there were more mile markers in other areas of my life. A life of faith would be spiffy, if there were those markers that confirmed I was indeed following God and His calling... but then then, it wouldnt be faith if I had those, would it? I do still think it'd be nice. :D
On Sparkpeople, one of my teams gave the assignment to make 100mini goals for my weight loss. I was excited about the idea of it, but kind of overwhelmed by 100!!! Buuut, I tried it, and I came up with 100. Just making my list was inspiring to me! I was pretty pumped, they won't all mean something to anyone else, but that's okay, they're here to motivate me. I'm sharing them, in hopes for accountability, support, and maybe I can motivate you on your own journey.
On Sparkpeople, one of my teams gave the assignment to make 100mini goals for my weight loss. I was excited about the idea of it, but kind of overwhelmed by 100!!! Buuut, I tried it, and I came up with 100. Just making my list was inspiring to me! I was pretty pumped, they won't all mean something to anyone else, but that's okay, they're here to motivate me. I'm sharing them, in hopes for accountability, support, and maybe I can motivate you on your own journey.
| 1 | first 10 lbs |
| 2 | drink 3 glasses of water - daily |
| 3 | walk 15min x3 per week |
| 4 | wii wkout - 10min x 3day/wk |
| 5 | 5,000 steps day - 3 days wkly |
| 6 | lose 10 more lbs |
| 7 | go visit gwen |
| 8 | wii wkout - 15min x 3day/wk |
| 9 | 7,000 steps day - 3 days wkly |
| 10 | Go to Dublin, Tx for St. Patrick's Day |
| 11 | new do - 25lb celebration |
| 12 | 10min daily prayer - no multitasking |
| 13 | 5,000 steps day - 5 days wkly |
| 14 | lose 10 more lbs |
| 15 | wii wkout - 20min x 3day/wk |
| 16 | walk 20min x3 per week |
| 17 | spend money on self to get clothing stuff I NEED |
| 18 | wii wkout - 30min x 3day/wk |
| 19 | limit eating out - twice per wk |
| 20 | lose 10 more lbs |
| 21 | eat fresh veggie/fruit daily |
| 22 | get a bodybugg |
| 23 | walk 30min x3 per week |
| 24 | 5,000 steps day - 7 days wkly |
| 25 | limit sodas to 3 per week |
| 26 | go camping - spring |
| 27 | walk 2 mile |
| 28 | lose 10 more lbs |
| 29 | take a weekend trip to celebrate 50lbs lost |
| 30 | get ok w knee to bike |
| 31 | at 280, seeing dr about fertility |
| 32 | 10,000 steps day - 3 days wkly |
| 33 | complete level 1: toastmaster |
| 34 | help BCC get Spec Kids ministry |
| 35 | walk 5 mile |
| 36 | lose 10 more lbs |
| 37 | 7,000 steps day - 5 days wkly |
| 38 | walk in a 5k |
| 39 | lose 10 more lbs |
| 40 | wkend trip: celebrate ½way pt |
| 41 | go camping - summer |
| 42 | new outfit for 75lbs |
| 43 | start training to climb a mountain |
| 44 | climb a hill (500ft) |
| 45 | 10,000 steps day - 5 days wkly |
| 46 | lose 10 more lbs |
| 47 | run 1 min |
| 48 | walk in a 2k |
| 49 | bike - 2min |
| 50 | take fam - summer vaca |
| 51 | finish devotional |
| 52 | lose 10 more lbs |
| 53 | bike - 5min |
| 54 | 10,000 steps day - 7 days wkly |
| 55 | run 5min |
| 56 | complete 5 Bible stories |
| 57 | run 10min |
| 58 | read 5 books of Bible |
| 59 | join a community group |
| 60 | bike - 10min |
| 61 | lose 10 more lbs |
| 62 | wkend trip: celebrate 100lbs |
| 63 | reg sizes (1st since 4th grade) |
| 64 | run 15min |
| 65 | bike - 15min |
| 66 | bike w fam |
| 67 | run 3 days per week |
| 68 | complete level 2: toastmasters |
| 69 | lose 10 more lbs |
| 70 | bike at park trails w fam |
| 71 | take a karate class |
| 72 | ride in a canoe |
| 73 | start train stomach not get motion sickness |
| 74 | take bike wkend trip |
| 75 | return to school for MS degree |
| 76 | go on hike at state park - 15min |
| 77 | take an aerobic class - and keep up |
| 78 | swim a lap in a pool |
| 79 | lose 10 more lbs |
| 80 | bike at state park |
| 81 | go on hike at state park - 30min |
| 82 | contact pub for curriculum |
| 83 | read 10 books in Bible |
| 84 | start proj to present at TXABA |
| 85 | finish 2 chapters in my book |
| 86 | run 30min |
| 87 | go camping - fall |
| 88 | go hiking in state park - sev hrs |
| 89 | lose 10 more lbs |
| 90 | find & buy a dress I feel good in |
| 91 | ride a horse |
| 92 | roller skate - permission to fall |
| 93 | go backpacking in park trails |
| 94 | go camping - winter |
| 95 | retry a roller coaster - bonus pts for not ralphing & maintaining human skin color |
| 96 | ice skate - it's okay to fall |
| 97 | do 3 trainings in 2012 |
| 98 | lose 10 more lbs |
| 99 | wear a skirt |
| 100 | GOAL REACHED - Have a mini-me party!!! |
everyday laughter
This last week has been awesome... I've watched P try hard to do well with us, and take steps towards connecting with us. On Monday, he found out that I'd noticed some patterns in his behavior, and seemed surprised that I hadn't pushed him. That night, he started making steps towards me and connecting with me. I've treasured each step, and hope has blossomed this week. Wed's wreck brought another boost between us... I'm amazed at God's goodness to use difficult things to be agents of His goodness. P has been much more interested and willing to do stuff with me, we've had a lot of laughter and he has sought to be with me much more. I'd trade a concussion for a week of connecting with my son any day - although I AM hoping to not do this on a regular basis. lol
Today he asked to get his allowance and some other money he had converted into all ones, he was surprised that I'd do it... but he had SO much fun stacking and counting and playing with his money. He said, "you really got that many ones for me?" "Sure, I knew it wouldn't hurt anything, and it seemed like a fun thing for you." "Wow, mom" then we continued to talk about how it's hard to believe at times that we've only known each other for two months... "I explained, that it seems that he's always been a part of our life" and he added,"yeah, it seems like five years or something", watching to see what I'd say. We continued on, and both concluded that we're so glad we're here. In the moments of silence that followed, I paused to just be thankful that he's growing into our family, and we're all growing to truly be a forever family. I feel like we're coming home.
Today he asked to get his allowance and some other money he had converted into all ones, he was surprised that I'd do it... but he had SO much fun stacking and counting and playing with his money. He said, "you really got that many ones for me?" "Sure, I knew it wouldn't hurt anything, and it seemed like a fun thing for you." "Wow, mom" then we continued to talk about how it's hard to believe at times that we've only known each other for two months... "I explained, that it seems that he's always been a part of our life" and he added,"yeah, it seems like five years or something", watching to see what I'd say. We continued on, and both concluded that we're so glad we're here. In the moments of silence that followed, I paused to just be thankful that he's growing into our family, and we're all growing to truly be a forever family. I feel like we're coming home.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
brighter hope...
I know that I KNOW I'm called to this journey of adopting P. It's not always easy, as we're teaching him that we will love him and keep him even when he acts ___(scared, angry, hurt, hyper, etc. etc). Unfortunately, being human... he doesn't just take our words, and this has to be proven on a daily basis. Especially with me, wounds from a mother run deep, and it'll take me some time to build trust with him and for him to learn to trust a new mother. It's sooo common for kids from tough backgrounds... and so vital. I wish it were the fun and cute developmental milestones, like a first word and a first step... but this is just as crucial. Instead, we'll have our own milestones to our journey... first tantrum, first time we held to a rule WITHOUT a tantrum, and tonight: our first compliment and our turning point... all in one day.
Today, I had a small wreck - no major injuries, and i thought i was fine at first, but as the day progressed, the pain in my neck worsened and I had a harder time finding words and was getting them all jumbled up. It was my day to leave early, and as I was headin home, I felt I should go and get things checked out... one prob, it was my day to pick up P. Since he'd just mentioned two days ago, that when it's my turn to pick him up, he watches for me and can see the top of my ham radio antenea sticking up between the houses, and he knows I'm coming for him... I dreaded not being able to be there for him, and didnt know how to let him know without causing panic. We had a friend pick him up, and I'd left a message with his school who promised to get a note to him. He was okay, and enjoyed the time but he told me that when he found out i'd been in a wreck, he threw up and got really upset. He explained, "You're a HUGE, huge part of the pie chart, that is my life." He checked on me throughout the evening, especially making sure that the concussion hadn't taken away all of our inside jokes and silly memories and sayings. He let his sweet side show, and his love for me.
Wow... sure puts a better spin on the day... and another step closer to eachother. :D
Today, I had a small wreck - no major injuries, and i thought i was fine at first, but as the day progressed, the pain in my neck worsened and I had a harder time finding words and was getting them all jumbled up. It was my day to leave early, and as I was headin home, I felt I should go and get things checked out... one prob, it was my day to pick up P. Since he'd just mentioned two days ago, that when it's my turn to pick him up, he watches for me and can see the top of my ham radio antenea sticking up between the houses, and he knows I'm coming for him... I dreaded not being able to be there for him, and didnt know how to let him know without causing panic. We had a friend pick him up, and I'd left a message with his school who promised to get a note to him. He was okay, and enjoyed the time but he told me that when he found out i'd been in a wreck, he threw up and got really upset. He explained, "You're a HUGE, huge part of the pie chart, that is my life." He checked on me throughout the evening, especially making sure that the concussion hadn't taken away all of our inside jokes and silly memories and sayings. He let his sweet side show, and his love for me.
Wow... sure puts a better spin on the day... and another step closer to eachother. :D
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Starting the journey
This is my first message... and my first attempt at a blog. I wanted a place where I can share thoughts and ideas and prayer concerns with you guys, that won't be as public as FB. I'll still be limited on what I can share here, and still won't be able to paste, P's full name until the adoption is finalized. But, several of you have asked me to share our journey, and being able to do so is actually helpful to me, as well.
Ever take a walk with a young child? Not long after you set out on your walk, the excitement and eagerness wears off and they get tired... and whiny... and the walk becomes so long for tired little feet. It's not long before they plead, "Carry me, please?!?!" A few weeks ago, I had a moment like that. Still in the newness of settling P into our family and lives, added to the pull of wanting to be with family for Christmas, and weariness of sleepless night... i was exhausted and emotionally warn out. I drove home by myself and prayed to God, at least able to recognize my own exhaustion and whining. "I'm tired... and I'm weary... and I realize I'm still only at the base of the mountain and haven't even begun my real climb, and that in itself is exhausting. Will you carry me? I just need to rest before I can climb some more." God is so patient, He didn't chastise me for my thoughts or emotions and I'm glad that I know my God is big enough to handle a weary child. The next morning I woke up, with a phrase rolling over and over in my head, "upward journey". God began to show me that although the climb ahead is still a long road, it's doable... after all HE called me to this path, so HE certainly will equip me to climb it successfully. There are many areas in my life that are an upward journey... slow yet life altering changes that can only successfully be brought about step by step. God began showing me several... and how they were a long road ahead, it was a climb I could succeed.
Suddenly my health journey, and helping P adjust and thrive in our family, work, unknowns in life all seemed to ease their hold on my stride. This is a climb I can do. That day changed my outlook on life, really. I gained an eagerness and a hope for the path God has called me to, and an excitement for my own Upward Journey Home. God reminded me of a lesson that He'd taught me years ago, this journey wouldn't be a destination... but a path I get to walk until I get Home. I don't even know where all this path will take me, and what amazing sights I'll be able to see... but I DO know that He'll be with me, and that He is good. And as I walk onward, He is leading me onward.
Thanks for joining me on the journey. :D
Ever take a walk with a young child? Not long after you set out on your walk, the excitement and eagerness wears off and they get tired... and whiny... and the walk becomes so long for tired little feet. It's not long before they plead, "Carry me, please?!?!" A few weeks ago, I had a moment like that. Still in the newness of settling P into our family and lives, added to the pull of wanting to be with family for Christmas, and weariness of sleepless night... i was exhausted and emotionally warn out. I drove home by myself and prayed to God, at least able to recognize my own exhaustion and whining. "I'm tired... and I'm weary... and I realize I'm still only at the base of the mountain and haven't even begun my real climb, and that in itself is exhausting. Will you carry me? I just need to rest before I can climb some more." God is so patient, He didn't chastise me for my thoughts or emotions and I'm glad that I know my God is big enough to handle a weary child. The next morning I woke up, with a phrase rolling over and over in my head, "upward journey". God began to show me that although the climb ahead is still a long road, it's doable... after all HE called me to this path, so HE certainly will equip me to climb it successfully. There are many areas in my life that are an upward journey... slow yet life altering changes that can only successfully be brought about step by step. God began showing me several... and how they were a long road ahead, it was a climb I could succeed.
Suddenly my health journey, and helping P adjust and thrive in our family, work, unknowns in life all seemed to ease their hold on my stride. This is a climb I can do. That day changed my outlook on life, really. I gained an eagerness and a hope for the path God has called me to, and an excitement for my own Upward Journey Home. God reminded me of a lesson that He'd taught me years ago, this journey wouldn't be a destination... but a path I get to walk until I get Home. I don't even know where all this path will take me, and what amazing sights I'll be able to see... but I DO know that He'll be with me, and that He is good. And as I walk onward, He is leading me onward.
Thanks for joining me on the journey. :D
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